Simbas Pride Parody
by Spirit of Nuka
Summary: The title pretty much explains it. Parody of The Lion King 2. Kiara, a young princess with short term memory loss attempts to find her place in the circle of life with Kovu, a young cub with attention deficit disorder. Contains randomness!
1. Should've Used A Condom

_Discalimer: I do not own the lion king or any book, film, song, t.v. show or person that may crop up in this story. I also do not intend to cause any offense, so I apologise in advance to anyone who may be offended._

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_(9 months earlier)_

It was late in the evening. Simba and Nala were lying in the grass looking up at the stars and basking in the romantic atmosphere. 'I can't believe you're back' Nala said.

'Yeh. I'm just glad I got you and the kingdom back.'

Nala snuggled up closer to Simba. 'Isn't this romantic. Just the two of us.'

Simba looked at her, 'it can be three if you want.'

Nala backed away. 'Sorry Simba. I don't do things like that.'

'I mean we could have a child and become parents. And then I can fight for access rights when we divorce.'

'No way! Do you really think I want to be kept awake all night by constant crying and all the other shit mothers have to go throught!'

Simba snuggled closer to Nala. 'That doesn't mean we can't have some fun.'

Nala giggled. 'You're right about that.' They next thing she new Simba was on top of her. 'Wait! Wait! Wait!' She said. 'You've got protection haven't you?'

'Oops! I forgot. Well you're on the pill so I guess we should be ok.'

'Simba! The pill is not one hundred percent effective. There's still a chance I can get pregnant.'

'But it's only a small chance' Simba added.

Nala shrugged her shoulders. 'Guess you're right.' And the two made sweet music all night long.

_(9 months later)_

Rafiki held Kiara up over the procession of animals as Simba and Nala watched on. Nala then furiously turned to Simba. 'Five hours!' She said with rage. 'That's how long I was in labour for! This is why I told you to use a condom!'


	2. I Can't Remember Where I Live!

Kiara skipped out of the den and looked over the pride lands. 'Wow!' she said in amazement. 'I never knew this place was such a shit hole! I gotta see more!'

As Kiara made her way to the steps leading down pride rock Simba came out of the den. With his paw he picked Kiara up by the tail and dangled her in front of his face. 'Where do you think you're going?' he said with a smile on his face.

Kiara smiled as she dangled upside down in front of her father. 'Daddy, let go.'

'Now I just want you to be careful.' Simba replied.

'No seriously dad, let go, the blood's rushing to my head and I'm starting to feel woozy!'

Simba let go of Kiara, dropping her on her head. 'Accidents can happen…'

'Yeh! Yeh! Yeh! I know! Be careful!'

'Shut up you little slut and listen to your father!' Nala said as she came out of pride rock.

Simba continued. 'Stay in sight of pride rock at all times, and stay away from the outlands.'

Just then Zazu landed next to Kiara and added, 'there's nothing there but a bunch of backstabbing, lustful crackwhores.'

'Zazu's right' Simba added. 'If you turn your back on them they'll have their way with you.'

'Ok.' Kiara sighed. 'You've bored me enough; I'm going now.'

Simba watched as Kiara ran down the steps of pride rock and into the pride lands.

Kiara happily skipped along the savannah. Then about five minutes later came to a complete stop. Kiara had forgotten what her father had said to her; ever since her father accidentally dropped her on her head at birth she had suffered from short term memory loss.

'What did my father say again?' She said to herself. She sat down and thought to herself for a minute. 'Oh I remember! Stay in sight of the outlands and stay away from pride rock because it's full of backstabbing murderous crack whores.'

She looked ahead to see in the distance what looked like the outlands. 'Oh shit! My fathers gonna kill me!' Kiara ran as fast as she could towards the outlands. She stopped again half way; she had forgotten where she was and why she was running.

She sat down again and for half an hour tried to remember what she was doing. She then heard the sound of singing coming from behind her. She turned around to see Pumba wobble towards her with Timon on top of him, holding a bottle of WKD.

'Don't you wish your girlfriend was hot like me?' They both sang as they struggled to keep their balance.'

Kiara was puzzled. 'Who are you?' She asked.

'Don't you remember bitch!' Pumba shouted.

'She can't Pumba.' Timon added. 'She has amnesia!' And the duo burst into laughter.

Kiara gave them both a funny look. 'How many have you both had?'

Timon thought for a moment. 'D'know; lost count after about 50.'

'Well I lost count after about 100!' Pumba shouted. 'Beat that!'

Timon clutched his stomach. 'Whoa, I don't feel so good.' He then leant over Pumbas head and pucked all over Kiara.

'EWWWWWWWWWWW!!!' Kiara shouted. 'That's fuckin gross!!'

'Oh no!' Pumba shouted. 'Your fathers gonna kill us!'

'Quick she needs a bath!' Timon shouted.

Pumba grabbed Kiara and threw her into a nearby lake. Timon fell off Pumba as he ran over to the lake and belly flopped onto Kiara. 'Oops!' He shouted as he quickly hauled himself off Kiara. He watched in horror as Kiara floated face down towards the surface.

'She can't drown that quick!' Pumba shouted.

'You were on her for five minutes!' Timon shouted from the shore.

'Really?' Pumba said puzzled. 'It only felt like two seconds. Wow alcohol really does slow your senses down!'

'Don't just stand there you fat bastard!' Timon shouted. 'Get her out of there!'

Pumba quickly grabbed Kiara by the tail and chucked her out of the water; Kiara slammed against a nearby rock and landed face up on the ground. Timon rushed to Kiaras body and performed CPR on her. Eventually Kiara coughed all the water out her lungs and regained consciousness. Timon and Pumba were both worried about Kiara telling her father; but to their surprise Kiara leapt straight to her feet.

'Hey Timon! Hey Pumba! How's it goin?' Kiara had completely forgotten everything that happened.

Timon and Pumba both fainted from the relief. 'Hey!' Kiara shouted. 'I just remembered where I was goin! Wow! That's got to be a first!' And Kiara skipped happily towards the outlands.


	3. Meet The Parents

Kiara skipped happily down the log bridge that led into the outlands. Halfway down she tripped over herself and went tumbling into another cub.

The other cub leapt to his feet and with an angry look approached Kiara.

'You bitch!' He shouted. 'I was in the middle of master…' The cub paused as he noticed a mouse run around beside Kiara. 'Mousee!' He shouted with a playful look on his face. 'Me wanna play with the little mouseypoo!' And at once the male cub ran over and started playing with the mouse.

Kiara thought this cub was weird. He went from an angry bloodthirsty lion to a cheery playful cub in a matter of seconds.

'Ur, excuse me!' Kiara shouted to the cub. 'Weren't we in the middle of something?'

The cub turned back to her. 'Were we? I forget.'

'You were just about to have a fight with me.'

'Play, Play, Play, Play,' the cub chanted repeatedly as he resumed playing with the mouse.

'Excuse me!' Kiara shouted, now getting a little impatient.

The cub looked at her again. 'Hi my name's Kovu what's yours?'

'My name is…'

Before Kiara could finish Kovu resumed playing with the mouse. 'Play, Play, Play, Play, Play, Play.'

'EXCUSE ME!!!!!' Kiara shouted at the top of her voice. Kovu looked at her again. 'My name is Kiara!'

'Hi Kiara.' Kovu said as he smiled. 'My name's Kovu.'

'I know! You just told me that!'

Kovu then spotted another mouse. 'Wow! Two mouseypoos!' He said with excitement as he grabbed them both with his paws. 'I'm gonna make you have a baby!' He said as he pressed both of the mice together.

'STOP THIS MADNESS NOW!!!!!!!' Kiara shouted at the top of her voice. She then snatched the mice from Kovus paws and threw them as far away as she could. Kiaras short term memory loss then kicked in, and she forgot everything that had happened.

Kovu looked at her and smiled. 'Hi! My name's Kovu. What's yours?'

'Hi Kovu!' Kiara said with a smile. 'My names Kiara!'

A silence then fell over the duo. 'You wanna go swim in that lake?' Kovu asked.

'Sure!' Kiara replied.

The duo dived head first into the lake and swam around; both were unaware that they were being watched by several hungry crocodiles.

'Man those cubs sure look tasty' said one of the crocodiles.

'Too bad we can't eat em cos of the diet we're on' another replied.

'Yeh; they would have tasted great.'

Eventually the duo climbed out the water and headed into the pride lands.

'That was fun' said Kovu. 'My name's Kovu by the way.'

Kiara became confused. 'I know. You already told me that.'

Kovu paused for a minute. 'I did?'

'Yes you did.'

'Oh yeh! I forgot to tell you, I have ADD.'

'Attention Deficit Disorder?' Kiara replied.

Kovu then started playing with the tall grass that surrounded them.

'Oh no!' Kiara said in a frightened tone. 'I can't remember the way home!'

Kovu then turned back to her. 'You wanna wrestle?'

Once again Kiara forgot what she was worried about. 'Ok.'

The duo were getting ready to pounce at each other when suddenly, Simba stepped in front of Kovu and roared at him with rage. Several other pride landers were with him. But surprisingly, Kovu wasn't scared; he smiled at Simba and said, 'hi, my name's Kovu. What's yours?'

At that moment Zira leapt from her grassy hiding place and landed flat on her face in front of Simba. Whilst maintaining her cool, Zira got to her feet, looked Simba in the eye and attempted to roar but instead…

'Meow!' She said in a squeaky voice.

Simba and the other pride landers burst into laughter. Ziras face went bright red with embarrassment.

'Well, well, well.' Simba said. 'If it isn't little kitty cat Zira. You never could do a decent roar!'

Zira became enraged. 'Well at least I don't need to take Viagra!' She shouted.

Simba started to feel a little embarrassed; he didn't dare let the other pride landers know that he had 'problems', otherwise they would never let him live it down. 'I don't know what you're talking about; but one thing's for sure, you and your cub shouldn't be here.' Simba moved closer to Zira. 'SO GET OUT!!!' He shouted.

'We have every right to be here!' Zira protested. 'You say us outsiders were exiled for being loyal to Scar, and that might be the case; but the real reason you exiled us was because you were jealous of us being better parents than you!'

'That's a lie!' Simba protested.

'You don't even notice when your daughter's around!' Zira shouted.

'I do so!'

'Then why are you standing on her!'

Simba looked down at his paw to see Kiara being slowly crushed to death underneath it. At once, he moved his paw. 'You know the penalty for returning to the pride lands!' He said.

Zira was confused. 'Actually, I don't. Could you run it past me?'

Simba walked up to Zira and whispered the punishment in her ear. Zira screamed like a little girl. At once she picked up Kovu in her mouth and ran as fast as she could back to the outlands. Simba picked up Kiara in his mouth, biting her so tightly that he drew blood and carried her back to pride rock with the other pride landers. He did consider stopping half way and having a father daughter talk with her, followed by a song; but he couldn't be bothered, so he just continued back to pride rock.

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What do you think so far? I hope you like it and will continue to read when I update. Please let me know what you think; I'll update as soon as I can.

Bye


	4. A New Housemate!

Back in the outlands, Nuka had just come out of the den reeking of booze. He struggled to keep his balance as he made his way over to Vitani who was covered in LSD patches, and busy insulting a tree.

Nuka sung as he wobbled over to Vitani. 'Race a cake bla noma noma yay! Noma noma yay! Noma noma noma yay! Key potato…'

Vitani heard her brothers off key and awful interpretation of 'The Numa Numa Song' and turned round to look at him. But what she saw wasn't her brother; it was instead a giant chocolate chip cookie. Vitani smiled with amazement, 'I've O.D'd and gone to heaven!' She said with delight. At once she ran over to Nuka and started gnawing his leg.

'AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!' Nuka screamed. 'PIRANHA!!!!' At once he grabbed a nearby rock and began hitting Vitani with it; but Vitani wouldn't let go, she just kept gnawing away at his leg!

Eventually Nuka was able to throw Vitani from his leg, and she went flying into a nearby rock. A battered and bruised Vitani hauled herself to her feet. She saw the cookie that she had been eating begin to grow bright red eyes, and a mouth with sharp fangs. The giant cookie roared at her.

'AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!' Vitani screamed. 'BAD TRIP!!!!!' At once Vitani began banging her head repeatedly on the rock she had just sprawled into. 'MAKE IT STOP! MAKE IT STOP! MAKE IT STOP! MAKE IT STOP! She shouted. She then noticed the rock begin to grow eyes and a mouth. 'I'm lonely.' The rock said. 'Will you play with me?'

Vitani screamed even more. She ran towards the den where she thought she would be safe. But stopped immediately when she saw two eyes grow over the dens entrance, the entrance became a mouth. 'That's it.' The den said lovingly. 'Climb into my mouth where it's warm and safe.'

Vitani pissed herself with fear. She then fainted in a puddle of her own urine.

Nuka, who had been watching the whole thing laughed hysterically and then passed out.

A while later, Nuka heard a strange voice calling to him. 'Hello? You ok?' Nuka awoke with one hell of a hangover, and saw standing over him was none other than…

Former Celebrity Big Brother housemate Jade Goody. 'Your mum told me you were like an alkiholic and all, and I saw you like lying there unconscious and all.' Nuka leapt to his feet.

'Relax Nuka.' Vitani said as she peeled the used up acid patches off her body. 'Mother's letting her stay here a while.'

Nuka was confused. 'How come?'

'Jeez Nuka!' Vitani snapped. 'Where have you been?! She's been all over the news!'

'I don't watch T.V.' Nuka replied.

Jade began explaining. 'Apparently it's because everybody thinks I is a racist because I bullied Shilpa in the Big Brover ouse. Now day is scared dat people will come after me an all; so day sent me ere to lye low until things cool down.'

Nuka gave Jade a funny look. 'And mother agreed to this.'

'Of course I did!' Zira replied as she walked up behind Jade with Kovu.

Nuka was surprised. 'Where did you come from?!'

'I've been back for ages!' Zira replied. 'I've been waiting for you and your drug addict sister to come round!'

'So why are you letting Jade stay here?' Nuka asked. 'Why don't we just send her back and let her take her medicine!'

'Because she hates Simba, and has agreed to help us kill him; and in my books that reason is good enough for me.'

Vitani moved closer to Nuka and whispered in his ear. 'Plus the BB producers said that if she did this, then they'd fire Davina and make her the new host of Big Brother.'

Kovu walked over to Jade. 'Hi, my name's Kovu. What's yours?'

'Awwwwwww hi Kovu!' Jade replied. 'I'm Jade.'

Kovu smiled. 'Hey I know you! You're that woman everybody hates!'

Jade gritted her teeth. 'Thanks for reminding me!'

Zira smiled at Kovu. 'Come on my little deer.' She said lovingly. 'It's time for bed.'

Nuka was confused. 'Don't you need to give him that talk?'

'That already happened while you and your sister were unconscious!' Zira shouted; she picked Kovu up in her mouth, turned to walk into the den and accidentally head butted Jade.

'Ow!' Both girls said as they rubbed their heads.

'Sorry.' Zira muttered through Kovu. She headed towards the den and tripped over a small rock just outside the entrance. As she got back up she banged her head on the top of the entrance and dropped Kovu onto one of Nukas broken beer bottles.

Kovu began to cry from the pain. 'Oh quit complaining!' Zira said as she yanked the shards out of Kovu. She then picked Kovu up and waded through a sea of empty liquor bottles and beer cans until she eventually reached Kovus sleeping spot.

She dropped Kovu onto the pedestal and smiled at him. 'I now see the path to our glorious return to power!' The rest of Ziras pride looked at her with enthusiasm.

Kovu smiled. 'Yay I'm special! He cheered.

'Shut your trap!' Zira shouted. 'Err… I mean… hush my little one' she said in a loving tone. 'You must be exhausted.'

The rest of the pride heard faint music begin to play and sighed with disappointment.

'Oh no!' One of the lionesses said. 'She's going to sing.'

'Is dat bad?' Jade asked.

'She's completely tone deaf!'

'Sleep my little Kovu.' Zira sung out of tune.

At once Jade put her fingers in her ears. 'Ouch!' She said. 'And I thought I was bad!'

The tempo began to pick up. 'I've been exiled, persecuted, left alone with no defence.'

'I can't take this!' Jade said as she picked up a nearby rock. She snuck up behind Zira and whacked her across the head, knocking her unconscious. The rest of the pride applauded her.

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What do you think so far? Jade's going to be with the outsiders for a while, but I might decide to get rid of her depending on how the story goes. Please let me know what you think and i'll update this story as soon as possible. 

By the way. I'd like to say thankyou to Kovu 01 for his comments on my previous chapters.


	5. What Do I Do Again?

It was late at night. Rafiki was in his tree drawing pictures of Jade being burnt alive by a load of Shilpa fans. He then turned to another picture of Kiara and Kovu. 'Oh Mufasa.' Rafiki said with disappointment. 'I wish I'd taken those art classes you suggested when you were alive; my pictures look like something a 5 year old would draw. Plus this feud between Zira and Simba is getting out of control. What are we going to do?'

'Don't worry.' Mufasas voice said. 'I have a plan.'

'What?' Rafiki replied.

At that moment a grapefruit fell from the tree and hit Rafiki on the head, snapping in half. 'Ow!' Rafiki shouted, rubbing his head. 'What was that for?!!'

'Nothin.' Mufasas voice replied laughing. 'I just wanted to hit you with a grapefruit.'

'Will you just tell me your plan?!'

'Make Kovu and Kiara fall in love.'

'What?!!!' Rafiki said with confusion. 'That's your plan! That's been done! I mean come on Mufasa, if you're gonna influence goings on in this life then at least be original!'

At that moment Mufasas spirit appeared; he grabbed Rafiki by the neck and gave him an angry look. 'Are you arguing with me?' Mufasa asked spitefully.

'No.' Rafiki gasped with fear.

'Then do as I say or I'll have you for dinner!'

'_Gulp _Yes sir.' Rafiki replied.

Mufasa let go of Rafiki and disappeared.

At a surprisingly fast speed; Vitani, Kovu and Kiara had grown into adults, while the remaining characters hadn't aged a bit.

Zira looked at Kovu with amazement and smiled. 'You are ready.'

Nuka, Vitani and Jade were watching from the side. Jade was confused. 'Wow!' She said. 'It seems like only yesterday I first met im.'

'That's because it was yesterday.' Vitani replied.

Zira circled Kovu, treading on more of Nukas broken beer bottles but not showing her pain so everyone would think she was hard. 'What is your destiny?'

'To destroy Shilpa Shettys career!' Kovu replied with a smile. Zira scowled at Jade.

Jade made a rubbish attempt to look innocent. 'Dat wasn't me!' she said. 'I never told Kovu to ruin Shilpa Popadoms career. Nope! Not me! I'm not a racist! Nope! Not racist!'

Zira turned back to Kovu. 'What is your real destiny?'

'Aww man!' Kovu said. 'I know this one. Errrr…ummmmmmm….Oh yeh! To avenge Scar and take the pride lands back.'

'Correct.' Zira replied. 'What have I told you?'

'Davina is the enemy!' Kovu replied with a smile.

Now Jade gave Zira a dodgy look. Zira tried to look innocent, 'What else have I told you?' she asked.

Kovu again smiled. 'That you used to wet the bed until you were 18'.

The lionesses began giggling. Ziras face went red. 'I don't know what you're talking about. Now what have I told you.'

'Oh yeh!' Kovu said without losing his smile.

Zira was relieved Kovu had remembered. 'What is it?' She asked.

'You still sleep wearing 'Dry Nights' just in case you have a little accident.'

The lionesses couldn't control themselves any longer and burst into laughter. Ziras face went maroon red, she slipped off into a small corner with embarrassment. Nuka was drunk so just laughed for no reason and Vitani put a paper bag over her head.

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What do you think so far? I hope you enjoyed this chapter and will submit a review. I'd like to again thank the following people who have already voiced their comments; they are Kovu 01, piker84, King Ligeron, Shadow Swift, Goddess Shimi and Fridley the Strange, thank you to all of you. 


	6. When The Cat's Away The Mice Will Play

Later that day in the pride lands everyone was getting ready to greet Kiara as she embarked on her first hunt. Simba sighed as he thought to himself, '_I can't believe I'm letting her do this.' _The rest of the pride were getting impatient; Kiara always took an hour to get ready. The lionesses were thinking to themselves but at the same time trying to look calm.

Lioness 1: '_Where is that stupid hoe?!' _

Lioness 2: '_C'mon! C'mon! While we're still young!' _

Lioness 3: '_I wish I could throw myself off the edge of pride rock!' _

Lioness 4: '_I haven't been this bored since I was shagged by Scar!' _

Lioness 5: '_I'm slowly losing the will to live!' _

Lioness 6: '_I never noticed how fit Simba was.'_

Lioness 7: '_And IIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII will always loooove youuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu!'_

Lioness 8: '_Damn hemorrhoids!'_

Lioness 9: '_Oh I wish I was a punk rocker with flowers in my hair!'_

Lioness 10: '_Je deteste Kiara! Elle est tres stupide, et elle est une catin paresseux!'_

'There she is!' A lioness shouted with excitement.

'_Finally!!'_ Everyone thought to themselves. '_Enfin!!'_ Lioness 10 thought to herself.

Kiara slowly walked out of the den. She made her way down the path but suddenly came to a halt. 'Did I forget something?' Kiara said as she looked back at the den.

'NO!!!!!' Everyone shouted at the top of their voice.

'Oui!' Lioness 10 shouted. 'Tu obliés vous pièce de fermetures'

The other lionesses just stared at her blankly. No one could understand what she was saying.

Nala went up to Kiara and nuzzled her affectionately. 'You'll do just fine.' She said; but she then though to herself. '_Yeh right!_ _We'll be lucky if we eat anything tonight!'_

'Daddy.' Kiara said to Simba who was busy checkin out Lioness 6. 'Oy! Pin dick!' Kiara shouted. Simba immediately looked at her. 'Promise me you won't have Timon and Pumba stalk me.'

Simba sighed. 'Ok. I promise.' '_Not!'_

Kiara ran to the edge of pride rock as Nala and the other lionesses headed into the den. She then ran towards the steps, tripped, and went tumbling down the steps into the pride lands.

Simba then turned to Timon and Pumba. 'You know the drill.' He said.

'Sure do.' Timon replied. 'Stalk her, and make sure she doesn't forget what she's doin.'

'And make sure she stays alive?' Pumba added.

Simba though to himself for a minute. 'Nah!' He said. 'I can always have another daughter.' Timon and Pumba both quietly slipped away.

'Oh Simba.' A lioness shouted in a lustful tone from the den.

Simba turned around to see all of the lionesses dressed in kinky black leather outfits.

'You've been a very naughty boy.' Nala said lustfully.

'It's time for your punishment.' Lioness 6 added.

Simba panicked; he didn't know what to do; he was all out of Viagra.

_Meanwhile_

Nuka, Vitani and Jade were in the elephants graveyard. 'Yuck!' Nuka said. 'This place is even creepier since those ugly hyenas ran off.'

Jade slapped him. 'Don't you dare dis me and my friends!'

'Can we just get on with this!' Vitani said whilst shaking. 'I'm suffering from severe withdrawal here!'

'How can you have withdrawal?!' Nuka said. 'You already snorted twelve lines of coke, took 20 ecstasy tablets and injected yourself with 15 syringes full of heroin before we came!'

'It's not enough!' Vitani shouted. 'I need more!'

Jade noticed the sticks in Vitanis mouth. 'What's with the sticks?' Jade asked.

'We're gonna light them on that big flame vent over there, and use em to set fire to the pride lands.' Vitani replied.

The trio jumped down off the ledge and landed flat on their faces. They hauled themselves to their feet and Vitani placed the sticks on the flame vent.

The trio waited for 15 minutes and the sticks still weren't lit. Jade then noticed something in the corner. She walked over to the object and found a thong. 'I've been looking for this thong!' Jade said.

'You've been here before?' Nuka asked.

'I used to live here.' Jade replied. 'My name used to be Shenzi; but I got plastic surgery, changed my name, went on Big Brover and got famous.'

'Oh.' Nuka replied as he started downing a bottle of WKD.

'Oh I can't be boverd waitin any longer!' Shenzi (er…I mean Jade) said, frustrated. 'I'm goin for a fag!' Jade walked off leaving Vitani and Nuka to wait for the sticks to light.

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What do you think? I know my french isn't that good, so if i went wrong in any places please feel free to correct me. I'll update as soon as possible; but in the mean time, please review. 


	7. Burn Baby Burn!

Meanwhile, somewhere in the pride lands Timon and Pumba were busy stalking Kiara. Timon took out his MP3 player and played the mission impossible theme tune. Using a variety of poorly attempted espionage stunts, Timon and Pumba made their way after Kiara.

Kiara had already forgotten what she was supposed to be doing and was busy playing 'cheat' with a couple of antelopes.

Kiara was rubbish at card games. She took 5 cards from her hand and placed them face down on top of the card pile in the centre. '5 queens!' Kiara said with a smile.

The antelopes looked at each other with confusion. 'Cheat?' One of them said in a puzzled tone.

'Dam it!' Kiara shouted as she took the cards in the centre and added them to her hand.

'One 9'. One of the antelopes said as he placed a card faced down in the centre.

'One 10'. The other antelope said as he did the same.

Kiara took three cards from her deck and placed them in the centre. 'Three 15s!'

'Cheat?' One of the antelopes said with confusion.

'Dam it!' Kiara shouted. 'How can you know that?!'

'Because number one, you can only place cards down that are either the same as, one above or one below the last card dealt; number two, it's impossible to have a card with 15 on it; and number three, you placed your cards down face up so I can clearly see that you have put down three 5's!'

Kiara suddenly heard what sounded like the mission impossible theme tune. She turned round to see Timon and Pumba spying on her. Having noticed that Kiara had clearly forgotten what she was supposed to be doing, Timon shouted 'now's your chance! Kill them!'

The two antelopes heard this and darted off as fast as they could. Timon and Pumba then remembered that Kiara wasn't supposed to know they were following her. 'Timon! Pumba!' Kiara shouted as she ran over to the duo. 'You ruined my card game!'

'Card game?!' Timon said. He and Pumba then burst out laughing. 'You can't even play 'Snap'.

'Can too!' Kiara shouted. 'Anyway! I thought my dad promised not to let you stalk me; he lied!'

'He didn't lie.' Timon said reassuringly. 'He just doesn't want you to get... urrr...to be perfectly honest, he doesn't think you can do this so he sent us to make sure we get some dinner tonight.' Timon immediately put his hands over his mouth.

'I'll show him!' Kiara shouted as she ran off into the distance.

'Kiara wait!' Timon shouted; but it was too late; Kiara was gone.

Kiara kept on running until eventually...

_BEEP! BEEP! BEEP! BEEP!_

Kiaras beeper started going off. Kiara looked at the screen on her beeper; it read:

_Timon: PLZ come back. SOZ bout da comment L. Ur_ _dad luwahh 3._ _Ur his little 0J, and he just doesn't want u 2 gett !-(_

Kiara didn't have a clue what Timon was talking about; she never could understand text language. She put her beeper away and continued hunting.

Meanwhile further away in the pride lands, Jade was sitting on a rock smoking a fag and thinking about her career. '_I wish I'd never gone on celeb BB! It's ruined my life!' _Jade looked at her watch. '_I'd better get back to Pukea and Vitamin before they wonder where I've gone.'_

Jade threw her burning cigarette onto the grassy ground and headed back to the elephants graveyard; casually unaware that the grass was slowly catching fire.

_Meanwhile_

Kiara slowly crept up on a heard of antelopes. At once she lept form her grassy hiding place. A young antelope was taken completely by surprise by this and was paralysed with fear. Kiara flew straight towards the young antelope; however she hadn't quite jumped far enough so landed flat on her face in front of the antelope. The antelope quickly ran for its life.

Kiara looked up to see the antelope running into the distance. She then noticed smoke coming from the distance. At that moment a horde of burning animals ran screaming towards Kiara. Kiara quickly turned tail and ran as fast as she could away from the burning animals.

Meanwhile Zira and Kovu were watching the events unfold from atop a small rock. 'The plan is in motion.' Zira said. 'GO!'

Kovu leapt down from the rock; as he did so he accidentally kicked Zira off the rock and she fell into the flames below. A burning Zira ran back up the rock screaming 'WATER! WATER! WATER!'

Nuka, Vitani and Jade (who had given up on lighting the sticks) returned to find Zira on fire. 'Don't worry, I know what to do.' Jade sad as she ran over to the burning Zira.

Jade immediately started spitting on Zira and she rolled around on the ground. 'Ok, that's not working.' She said in defeat. She then saw two buckets at the base of the rock Zira had been perched on; she ran over and examined them. One bucket had a picture of a water droplet on it (meaning water), and the other had a picture of a flame on it (meaning flammable liquid).

'Hmmm.' Jade said. 'Well this one has a picture of a fire on it; so that means it must be for putting out fires.' At once Jade grabbed the bucket and threw the flammable liquid over Zira.

The flame on Zira increased dramatically. 'AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!' Zira screamed. 'I COULDN'T BE IN ANYMORE PAIN!!!!!!!'

Jade panicked. She ignored the other bucket and repeatedly stomped on Zira in an attempt to put the fire out. Eventually she was able to extinguish the blazing lioness. A battered, bruised and badly burnt Zira hauled herself to her feet; and gazed at Jade with fire in her eyes (no pun intended). Zira leapt at Jade, pinned her to the ground and started to beat her black and blue.

_Back at Pride Rock_

As the kinky lionesses began to advance on Simba he remembered something; he had an emergency supply of Viagra hidden under a nearby rock.

'LOOK OUT!' Simba shouted. 'THE DEN'S ON FIRE!!!'

The lionesses stupidly turned around, giving Simba enough time to slip the pills from under the rock and swallow them. The lionesses turned back to Simba. 'GOCHA!' He laughed.

'That wasn't very nice' Nala said lustfully.

'You're right.' He said smiling lustfully. 'I've been a very naughty boy; I need to be punished.'

Two lionesses pinned Simba to the ground while a third lioness put duck tape over his mouth, and tied his front and hind legs together. The lionesses then dragged Simba into the den by his tail.

_Back at the fire_

Kiara was desperately running for her life as the flames quickly spread (mainly because the burning animals were setting fire to the grass as they were running). Kiara noticed a nearby rock structure; she leapt at the structure 'Ouch!', she jumped to far and head butted the ledge. Attempt 2, Kiara jumped and head butted the ledge a second time. Attempt 47, Kiara eventually noticed the steps going up the side of the rock.

Kiara suddenly froze. She had forgotten everything that had happened. 'Where am I?' She asked herself. She sat down and tired to remember where she was. While Kiara was thinking the smoke slowly filled her lungs, and she fell unconscious.

Kovu appeared from the smoke; he looked down at Kiara and growled evilly. He then started playing with Kiaras tail like a little cub. Eventually Kovu passed out next to Kiara from smoke inhalation.

'For crying out loud!' Mufasa shouted from the heavens. 'Do I have to do everything around here?!'

Mufasa extended his giant paw from the heavens, picked up Kovu and Kiara, moved them to a sight away from the fire and put them down. At that moment Kovu and Kiara woke up.

'Where am I?' Kiara asked.

Kovu woke up and started playing with some rocks like a little cub. 'Play play play play play play.'

'Kovu?' Kiara said with a smile, happy to see her old friend.

Kovu looked at Kiara and smiled. 'Hi, my name's Kovu!'

'You haven't changed a bit.' Kiara replied.

'I have a nasty rash.' Kovu said randomly while smiling.

'Lovely.' Kiara said, feeling a little grossed out.

'Kiara!' A voice shouted from behind. Kiara turned round expecting to see her father; but instead found Alex from Madagascar staring at her.

'Why are you here?' Kiara asked.

'You're father's a little 'tied up' at the moment,' Alex replied, 'so he sent me to come get you.'

Kiara and Kovu immediately forgot what had just been said. 'Who are you?' They both asked at the same time.'

'I'm Alex from Madagascar; I've come out here to take Kiara back to pride rock.'

'Can I come?!' Kovu asked while prancing around Alex. 'Please! Please! Please!'

'Yeh sure what the hell.' Alex replied.

'Yaaaaaaaaaaaaay!!!!!' Kiara and Kovu both cheered while again prancing around hysterically. 'Slumber party! Slumber party! Slumber party! Slumber party!' Suddenly they both froze; both had once again forgotten what had just been said. 'Who are you?' Both asked.

Alex became enraged. 'I'm Alex from Madagascar and I've been sent to get you!' He shouted.

Once again, both Kovu and Kiara forgot what Alex had just said. 'Who are you?' They both asked at the same time.

'AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!' Alex shouted with rage. He grabbed Kovu and Kiaras heads and smashed them both together, knocking both lions unconscious but at the same time leaving really funny cartoony-unconscious smiles on their faces. Alex shooed away the small birds flying around Kovu and Kiaras heads, picked them up onto his shoulders and carried them back to pride rock.

As Alex carried Kiara and Kovu up to the den Zira and Jade watched them from the distance. Jade was badly injured from Ziras beating, so had a black eye, a bandage round her forehead and her arm in a sling. Zira had her entire body wrapped up in bandages like a mummy to treat her burns.

'Did you see that?!' Jade shouted with rage. 'He didn't kill her!'

'Mfflmufmufmmuuff!' ('I can't see anything!') Zira replied through her bandages.

'If that were me I'd seriously give that girls little tukus a good spankin until she cried!' Jade replied.

Zira tried her best to ignore what Jade had just said.

'Mfmfmmfflllmfmfmlllmulmfllmumumnlflflmulmffmfmfmfmlulmffmnlllmnfuullfnmu.' ('The fire rescue was a disaster! I hope Scar can use some of his heavenly powers to convince Simba to let Kovu stay!')

_Up in heaven_

Scar looked down at Zira and smiled. 'Don't worry luv; I'll sort everything out.'

Vitani and Nuka headed over to where Jade and Zira were. Vitani was high on weed, and Nuka was hammered on vodka. They both noticed their bandaged mother and freaked. 'AHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!' They both screamed. 'IMOTEP'S ALIVE!!!!' Nuka and Vitani grabbed a rock each, ran over to Zira and beat her senseless.

* * *

What do you think so far? Nope that wasn't a typing error; Scar **IS** in heaven :o Why you ask? You'll find out at the end of the story. Please let me know what you think and i'll update as soon as possible. 


	8. Simbiepoo!

_I'd like to thank King Ligerion for helping me out with my story; he gave me the idea for this chapter. Thankyou for your help._

* * *

_(This chapter takes place during the time Kiara was 'hunting'.)_

Simba was wondering why the lionesses were going through this much trouble to please him; they never normally restrained him, they normally just took turns putting him over their knees and spanking him. The lionesses left him on the ground in the den. When Simba looked up he saw why the lionesses were doing this.

When Simba looked up he knew what it was like to stare the devil directly in the eyes; for he saw the two most psychotic women in the world, Sarabi and Sarafina back from their holiday in the jungle. After Sarabi had accidentally fallen head first off of pride rock all those years ago she had suffered permanent brain damage; she believed that Simba was still a cub and thus treated him like one whether he liked it or not. She hired Sarafina to be Simbas nanny; she took the position because she thought it would be a good laugh. The rest of the pride landers Sarafina included found it hilarious to see Simba being treated like a cub; they restrained him so he couldn't escape.

'Simbie-poo!' Sarabi said in a playful voice. 'My wittle angel! Did you miss mummy?'

The pride landers burst into laughter; the whole punishment thing had been a trap; Nala and the pride had stitched Simba up good and proper.'

'AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!' Simba screamed through the duck tape covering his mouth.

'Do you have his things?' Sarabi asked Sarafina.

'They're right here.' Sarafina said as she produced a baby bag. She unzipped the bag and produced a teddy bear, rattle, dummy and a giant nappy!

Simba looked at Nala and the rest of the pride who had changed out of their leather outfits; he pleaded for them to release him.

'Awwwwwwww' Nala said in a mocking tone. 'Wittle Simbie-poo's giving us the puppy dog luck!'

'Awwwwwwwwwwwwwww' all the lionesses sighed before collapsing on the floor laughing.

Simba was suddenly rolled onto his back by Sarabi; and the next thing he knew she was velcroing up the nappy on him. She then ripped the duck tape off of his mouth and replaced it with the dummy. 'There you go.' She said in a playful voice. 'Don't you fell better now you have your dummy!'

Simba spat the dummy out. 'GET OFF ME YOU DEMENTED PSYCO!!!' He shouted.

'Awwww, wittle Simba's mad.' Sarabi said as she put the dummy back in his mouth.

At that moment Sarafina approached Simba and whispered in his ear. 'You'd best not do anything like that again unless you want the girls to know you take Viagra.'

Simba was shocked. How did Sarafina know his little secret? In any case the pride landers could not know under any circumstances; therefore Simba had no choice but to chew on the dummy and put up with the chaffing from the nappy.

The day went on; Nala and the rest of the pride watched on as Simba lost every last bit of his dignity. Sarafina knew that Simba would not attempt to escape after hearing what she whispered in his ear, therefore removed the duck tape binding his arms and feet. Sarabi was sitting upright on a rock at the back of the cave and bouncing Simba on her knee.

'Bouncy bouncy!' She said in a playful tone.

'_How is this possible?!' _Simba thought to himself. '_We're lions! We can't sit upright like humans!'_

Apart from this whole humiliating episode, Simba had another problem; he badly needed the toilet; he had been holding it in for ages as he wanted to be spared the humiliation of the lionesses seeing their king have his nappy changed; plus even before Sarabi had fallen from pride rock she had been rubbish at changing nappies.

When Simba was a cub Sarabi used to baby-sit Nala for Sarafina. Whenever Sarabi changed Nalas nappy she would always put a clean nappy on Nala but forget to throw the dirty nappy away, then when she came to change Simbas nappy she would put Nalas dirty nappy on him thinking it was a clean one and vice versa with Nala. Simba and Nala would have to spend an entire day in a nappy soiled with their best friends food remnants. Amongst other things, the worst Sarabi did to both him and Nala was make sure the nappies stayed on by pulling them up as hard as she could, giving them both major wedgies!

Simba tried desperately to hold it in but...

_Paaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaarp_

Sarabi felt Simbas nappy vibrate; she smiled at him. 'I think Simbie-poo needs a nappy change.'

The lionesses nearly suffocated from laughter, and in minutes each lioness had either a video camera or a video phone trained on Simba; this was the one moment they never wanted to forget.

Sarabi gently lay Simba on the ground and took his nappy off; she remembered to throw it away but accidentally threw it in Simbas face. She peeled the nappy off Simbas face and threw it to one side.

'Awwww.' Sarabi said in a playful voice. 'My wittle darling's a bwown teddy bear!'

The lionesses became hysterical; they wished Kiara was here to see this; plus Mufasa nearly fell out of the clouds as he rolled around with laughter.

Sarabi took a baby wipe and wiped Simbas face; she then started wiping Simbas behind as hard as she could; Simba scrunched his face from the pain. To make things even more embarrassing the effects of the Viagra he took before hadn't quite warn off so the lionesses had an extra thing to laugh at.

Sarabi slid a fresh nappy on Simba; she then pulled it up as hard as she could; Simba swore he could almost taste the nappy and nearly cried from the pain as he felt his groin being crushed.

'All better?' Sarabi asked in a playful voice.

Sarabi continued to play with Simba all day. Alex had already brought Kovu and Kiara back from the fire but was so freaked out from seeing Simba dressed as a baby that he merely dropped them both outside the den and ran.

Simba was trying to think of a way to escape when suddenly...

'_Simba...' _A familiar voice said inside of his head; it was Scar. '_I can make this stop if you do something for me.' _

'_What?' _Simba asked in his head.

'_Let Kovu join your pride.'_

'_No! I'll never let an outsider join our pride!'_

'_Suit yourself, Simbie-poo! Ha ha ha!'_

'You look like you need feeding.' Sarabi said in a playful way. 'I'll just get your bottle.'

'Actually Sarabi' Sarafina said with an evil smile on her face, 'it's generally healthier for a baby to be breast fed instead of being bottle fed.'

'Thanks for the tip Sarafina.' Sarabi cuddled Simba tightly; 'we want to be healthy so we can gwow up to be big and stwong now downt we; yes we do! Yes we do!'

'_AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!'_ Simba screamed in his head. '_I CANT TAKE THIS ANYMORE!!! MAKE IT STOP! MAKE IT STOP! MAKE IT STOP! PLEASE!!! I'LL LET KOVU JOIN THE PRIDE!!! ANYTHING!!!'_

'_Your wish is my command.' _Scar replied. Suddenly, unknown to everyone but Simba, Scars ghost appeared behind Sarabi. Scar gently placed his paw on Sarabis head for a few seconds; he then removed his paw and disappeared. Sarabi looked at Sarafina with a serious face.

'I just remembered something.' She said. 'I left a few of my things in the jungle and I need to go back and get them. I'm going to be away for a few days so would you mind looking after Simba for me?'

Sarafina smiled. 'Not at all.'

'Thanks.' Sarabi replied. She then started cuddling Simba again. 'Mummys got to go away for a few days. But she'll be back soon. I love you my little sugar plum.' Sarabi kissed Simba on the forehead, set him down on the ground and left the den.

As soon as she was gone Simba leapt to his feet, spat out the dummy in his mouth and ripped off the nappy.

Sarafina giggled, 'did Simbie-poo have fun today?' She said in a mocking tone.

'Shut up!' Simba shouted as he threw the nappy at Sarafina.

'Look on the bright side.' Nala added. 'At least now you have a few days of being an adult.' Nala nuzzled him affectionately; this made Simba forget all the humiliation he had endured that day; Nala always knew how to cheer him up. 'C'mon.' Nala added. 'Lets go to bed.'

Simba nuzzled Nala affectionately as him and the other lionesses went to bed, forgetting to bring Kiara inside so she would most likely catch a cold.

* * *

What did you think? I'll update the story as soon as I can but for now, please let me know what you think. 


	9. The Car Chase!

Again i'd like to thank King Ligerion for giving me help with this chapter.

* * *

Kiara slowly woke up as she felt something prodding against her. It was the author prodding her with his pencil. 'Mummy, I don't want to go to school today.' She groaned and fell asleep again.

The author grabbed a bucket of ice cold water and chucked it over her. Surprisingly, she didn't even flinch. The author then set up a hi-fi system by her head, put a CD in, turned the volume and base up to the maximum and pressed play.

The hi-fi started blasting music into her ears. 'Ooo eee ooo ah ah ting tang wala wala bang bang! Ooo eee ooo ah ah ting tang wala wala bang bang!'

At that moment Kiara woke up and screamed. 'AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!! EVIL!!!! SEND IT TO HELL!!!!!!!'

Kiara grabbed the hi-fi system and threw it off the edge of pride rock; the hi-fi clobbered Zira who was standing at the base of pride rock still in her bandages eavesdropping. 'Why do you hate me God?' Zira groaned.

Kovu woke up from all the commotion.

'What happened?' Kovu asked.

Kiara was shaking. 'Someone just played witchdoctor!'

Kovu gasped with horror. 'What kind of sick, twisted, demented monster would do such a...' Kovu paused for a minute. 'Monster?' He then smiled, 'that's my favourite song!'

Kovu started dancing like a lunatic as he started singing. 'What's that coming over the hill? Is it a monster? Is it a monsterrrrr?'

'Kovu!' Kiara shouted.

Kovu immediately stopped dancing. 'Oh! Sorry.' Kovu put his arm around Kiaras shoulder as she was still traumatised by the incident. 'Don't worry Kiara; he's gone now and he won't come back.'

Kovu then noticed a big rock by the side of the den entrance. 'Rock!' He shouted with a smile. Kovu ran over to the rock and hugged it like it was his friend. 'You're my new friend!' Kovu said with a smile like a hyper cub as he hugged the rock and then licked (lion kissed) it.

Kiara looked at Kovu as if he had three heads. 'Are you coming inside?' She asked.

'Kovu turned his head to Kiara without letting go of the rock and randomly blurted out 'you hunt like a blind monkey on crack!'

'What?!' Kiara shouted with fire in her eyes.

'You couldn't catch a baby tortoise even if it was lying on its back.' Kovu replied.

'Oh and I suppose you could teach me!' Kiara replied.

Kovu took no notice of her and continued cuddling the rock. 'I love you Mr Rockie-poo.'

'I'll take that as a yes then.' Kiara replied. 'We start at dawn.'

'Yeh ok!' Kovu replied without even looking at Kiara.

'Aren't you going to come inside?' Kiara asked.

Kovu gave Kiara a sad look. 'But Mr Rocky will get cold.'

'Fine! You stay out here with Mr Rocky then!' Kiara replied while wondering why Zira didn't just kill Kovu when he was a cub; she then headed inside.

Kovu snuggled up to his new rock friend and went to sleep; but not before saying 'good night Mr Rockie-poo.'

The next morning Simba was the first to wake up. He wanted to make sure he got a drink from the water hole before Nala bathed in it and made the water taste like an antelopes corpse after its been left in the open sun for a week. Simba casually drank from the water hole unaware that Kovu was watching him from behind a nearby. Kovus entire pride was counting on him to eliminate Simba; this would most likely be his only chance of offing Simba. Kovu poised himself ready to attack; he was just about to pounce Simba when...

'Butterfly!' Kovu shouted as he turned his attention away from Simba and began chasing a butterfly like a little cub. Kovu chased the butterfly trying to perform the impossible task of catching it. Kovu was so engrossed with catching the butterfly that he didn't see Kiara sitting near him eating a bowl of Weetabix. Suddenly...

_CRASH!!!_

Kovu crashed straight into Kiara causing her to choke on a whole Weetabix piece. Kovu smiled at Kiara as she clutched her throat and gasped for air. 'Hi! My name's Kovu!'

Kiaras face started to turn purple. Kovu continued to smile at her; 'your face is purple.'

Eventually Kiara collapsed to the floor and died. Kovu continued to smile at her. He then put his hand on her throat; his smile slowly fell as he could not feel a pulse. 'Oh no!' Kovu said with fear, 'Simba's gonna kill me!'

Kovu frantically looked around to check if anyone had seen him; no one had. 'I've gotta hide her, but where?' Kovu suddenly had an idea. He ripped a handful of grass from the ground and covered Kiaras head with it. 'There; no one will ever find her.'

'Hi Kovu.' A female voice said from behind him.

Kovu turned round and got the shock of his life; for standing in front of him was Kiara, alive and well.

Kiara smiled at Kovu. 'You seen my twin sister Kiara anywhere?'

'Twin sister?!' Kovu said with confusion. 'Who are you?'

'I'm Kiara.' She replied.

'But your sister's Kiara?' Kovu replied as his brain slowly started overloading.

'Oh yeh, I forgot to tell you.' Kiara replied. 'My dad couldn't be bothered to think of two different names for us so he just called us both Kiara. I'm the Kiara you like.'

Kovu breathed a sigh of relief. '_Phew. Thank God I killed the wrong one or this movie would be over before the wicked fight scene and movie goers would demand their money back; with a loss like that Disney would go bankrupt and I'd be fired!'_

'So have you seen her?' Kiara asked, completely oblivious to the fact her sisters corpse was lying on the floor behind Kovu in plain sight with grass covering its head.

Kovu had an idea. 'Who were you looking for again?' He asked in the hope Kiaras short term memory loss would kick in.

Kiara suddenly paused. 'Was I looking for someone?' She asked. 'I can't remember.'

'It probably wasn't that important.' Kovu replied.

'Yeh you're right. So are we still on for the hunting lesson?'

'Yeh. Come on lets get started.'

So Kovu began teaching Kiara how to hunt. Kovu lay in the grass waiting for Kiara to strike him in a practice round. Kovu could hear Kiaras every move in the grass behind him.

_Step _

_Step _

_Click! _

'Ouch!' Kiara whispered. 'Lousy twig.'

_Step_

_Step_

_Roll_

'Lousy Rock!'

_Step_

_Step_

_Squeak!_

'Lousy dog toy!'

_Step_

_Step_

_Splodge!_

'Lousy dog poo!'

_Step_

_Step_

_BARK!_

'Lousy dog!'

_Step_

_Step_

'_FWAAAAAAAAAAM!'_

'Lousy supporters horn!'

_Step_

_Step_

_SNAP!_

'Ouch! Lousy bear trap!'

_Step_

_Step_

_BOOM!_

'OWWWW! Lousy land mine!'

Kiara eventually made it to the area where Kovu was waiting for her. She leapt from her grassy hideaway...

...and landed flat on her face. Kovu had been distracted by a nearby flock of birds and was chasing them up a hill.

Kovu reached the top of the hill. He pounced as hard as he could expecting to land on the birds, but instead found himself landing on top of Jade Goody.

Jade coward with fear. 'Please don't kill me!' She begged. 'I never intended to offend Ms Popadom, I mean Setty! Shetty! Oh she's a hell of a nice girl! A little...'

At that moment Timon came out of nowhere and whacked Jade over the head with a rock, knocking her unconscious. Suddenly there was a massive round of applause from the whole of India.

Kiara came over the hill. 'Timon!' She shouted. 'You're stalking me again!'

'Me and Pumba aint stalking you!' Timon protested. 'We were trying to get some grub but all the birds got here before us!'

Timon stormed over to the birds. 'Shoo! Shoo!'

A bird swallowed its worm, scowled at Timon and pecked him in the groin. Timon clutched his groin and curled up in a ball on the ground on pain. Pumba tried charging at the birds but they just flew out of his way and continued feasting.

Kiara laughed at the duo. 'This is hopeless' Pumba said as he approached Kiara and Kovu.

'Perhaps I can help.' A voice said from behind Kovu and Kiara.

Everyone turned round expecting to find another guest star...

...but instead found Zazu. Zazu landed on Kovus back.

'Zazu?' Kiara said with confusion. 'Where have you been? You haven't been in any of your shots.'

'I've been sulking!' Zazu replied furiously. 'It's not fair!'

'What?' Kiara asked.

'Those lousy excuse for directors at Disney have demoted me. In the first film I was practically a main character; now look at me! I hardly say anything; they've even changed my voice!'

'Wow.' Timon said as he got off the ground. 'I though you sounded different.'

'Zazu, are you going to help us? Or are you going to sit there and whine!' Kiara said impatiently.

'Fine!' Zazu replied as he flew over to where the birds were. Zazu and the birds each exchanged glances; the atmosphere was like something out of a western movie. Zazu didn't lose his focus and neither did the birds. Suddenly...

_Achoo!!!_

Zazu faked a sneeze. The other birds screamed like little girls and flew off as fast as they could.

'Woo Hoo!' Timon cheered as he hopped on Pumbas back. 'Do it again!'

Zazu took to the air and flew after the birds while faking more sneezes. Timon and Pumba also chased after the birds with Kiara and Kovu following them for no reason.

'Why are we doing this?' Kovu asked.

'How the hell should I know!' Kiara replied. 'Just keep running!'

So Kovu, Kiara, Timon, Pumba and Zazu ran/flew around aimlessly chasing after the birds until they eventually came to a sudden stop, when they saw in front of them the birds each in their own sports car.

'Uh oh.' Kiara said as the birds started revving the engines. There was every kind of sports car on the market from a Mini Cooper to an Aston Martin V12 Vanquish.

'We'll teach you to give us bird flu!' One of the birds shouted from his car.

'Well my work is done here.' Zazu said as he flew off into the distance.

'I can't watch!' Kiara said as she put hr paws over her eyes. Timon, Pumba and Kovu shut their eyes with fear as the birds put the pedal to the metal.

Unfortunately the birds were still in the process of applying for provisional licences, and due to their lack of experience stalled the cars.

Kiara, Kovu, Timon and Pumba immediately tore off back the way they came. The birds each restarted their cars but this time knew what they did wrong, they put the pedal to the metal and sped off after the group.

Unknown to the birds the group had taken refuge in a small cave just around a corner. The group were jam packed together in the small gap of a cave. The birds handbrake turned round the sharp corner and sped straight past the cave. Unfortunately the bird driving the V12 Vanquish turned too sharply and forgot to use his break; as a result the car flew off the track and rolled out of control, eventually coming to a stop with the wheels in the air.

'Wow!' Kiara said in amazement as she looked at the smashed up Vanquish. 'That bird just broke the record for the most number of car rolls in a movie! Take that 007!'

'What a blast!' Kovu said with excitement.

'What blast?' Pumba said with confusion. 'The car didn't explode.'

The group burst into laughter. 'C'mon.' Timon said. 'Lets get outta here.'

The group tried to get out of the cave but were stuck. 'This is bad.' Kiara said with fear.

'Oh no!' Kovu said with fear. 'We're gonna die!'

With those words everyone began crying like babies. 'I don't wanna die!' Kiara said with tears.

An hour passed and the group were still stuck in the cave crying like babies. The author couldn't take anymore of their crying. He walked up to the cave carrying a crowbar. Timon, Pumba, Kiara and Kovu were too busy crying to even notice him. The author inserted the crowbar between Kiaras back and the cave wall; and with a good push the group popped out of the cave and were free. Before anyone could notice him the author left the scene.

The group leapt to their feet and began cheering hysterically. 'We're free! We're free! We're free! We're free! We're free! We're free! We're free! We're free!' They all cheered as they jumped up and down like little cubs. Feeling happy, they skipped off back to pride rock.


	10. Vitani And Jade Join The Vampire Club

Disclaimer: King Ligerion owns 'Pride Of Bloody Fangs' and the vampire lionesses, Kovu01 owns 'The Dark Cub' and the special medicine.

* * *

Later that day Vitani, Nuka and Jade had snuck out of the 'Simbas Pride Parody' set and were wandering around Eventually they came to the entrance to the set for another Lion King story. 

'What are we doing again?' Jade asked.

'Zira's ordered us to break into the set for Kovu01s fic 'The Dark Cub' and steal some of that special medicine to heal her wounds.' Nuka replied.

'Oh yeh.' Jade said as she remembered. 'That's why I brought a crowbar.'

Vitani looked at the entrance. 'How do we know this is the right story? There's no sign on the door. I think we should check that map we found.'

'This is definitely the right story.' Nuka replied. 'I memorised that map like the back of my hand and this is definitely the right place.'

'Ok.' Jade said as she forced the door open with her crowbar. The trio quickly headed through the door before anyone could spot them.

The trio walked through the set which looked remarkably identical to their own except the skies seemed darker.

'So where do we start looking?' Jade asked.

'We'll split up and meet back here in an hour.' Vitani ordered.

_1 hour later_

The trio met up again.

'Did either of you find anything?' Nuka asked.

'No.' Vitani and Jade replied.

'Gimme that map!' Vitani ordered as she snatched the map of from Nuka. Vitani carefully studied the map and a look of horror appeared on her face. 'Uh oh.'

'What?' Jade asked.

'It turns out we are in the wrong story.' Vitani replied. 'This is King Ligerions story.

'Which story is it?' Jade asked.

Vitani double checked the map to see if she was wrong; unfortunately she wasn't. '_Gulp!_ Pride Of Bloody Fangs.'

The trio turned round in horror to see the vampire lionesses looking at them with hungry faces.

At that moment 'Thriller' by Michael Jackson started playing. The vampire lionesses stood upright on their hind legs and began dancing some Michael Jackson moves.

This made Vitani, Nuka and Jade even more scared; because not only were they scared of vampires they were also scared of Michael Jackson. At that moment a vampire lion who looked almost identical to Michael Jackson moonwalked to the front of the vampire lionesses and began singing.

'It's close to midnight; and something evil's...' Before he could finish his line his nose fell off. As the vampire lion bent over to pick up his nose a firework went off in front of him and set his main on fire.

The music stopped and the vampire lionesses got down off their hind legs and watched the vampire lion run around screaming 'WATER! WATER! WATER! WATER!'

The vampire lion noticed a watering hole not far from where he was. He immediately ran towards it. As he was running he got distracted by some cubs who were playing; therefore he didn't see the gorge in front of him and ran straight into it and died.

'That was unexpected.' Said vampire Nala.

The vampire lionesses then turned their attention back to Vitani, Nuka and Jade and smiled evilly. 'Wow.' Vampire Kiara said lustfully. 'Fresh meat.'

'We're gonna have fun enrolling those three into our vampire club.' Vampire Vitani said lustfully.

'Vampire club?' Jade said with confusion.

'Yeh.' Vampire Nala replied. 'When you join you get to hang around with us, stay up all night and drink blood.'

'And you get discounts at major stores such as New Look, HMV and Game.' Vampire Vitani added.

'Plus each month you get a goodie bag!' Vampire Sarafina added.

'Wow this club sounds interesting!' Jade said with a smile which slowly fell. 'Wait a sec; is there some kind of cruel initiation tasks like being spanked on the arse with paddles.'

'Yeh.' Vampire Vitani replied. 'You have to get bitten by one of us.'

Nuka shrugged his shoulders. 'That doesn't sound too bad.'

'And if you're male you have to be circumcised as well.' Vampire Nala added.

Nuka screamed like a little girl and tore off as fast as he could out of the set and back to Spirit Of Nukas story.

'Looks like it's just you two then.' vampire Nala said with an evil smile.

'Listen, we'd love to join your club. It's just that we're a little short on cash at the moment and there's no way we could afford membership fees.'

'Memberships free.' Vampire Nala replied. 'And we didn't say joining was optional.'

At that moment Vitani and Jade turned and ran as fast as they could. As they did vampire Nalas and vampire Vitanis tails grew longer and flew after the duo. Vampire Nala and Vitani wrapped their tails tightly round Vitani and Jades waists, lifted them off the ground and reeled them back.

Vampire Vitani and Nala pinned the duo to the ground with their tails. Vampire Vitani stood over normal Vitani and vampire Nala stood over Jade.

'Welcome to our club.' Vampire Vitani said as both she and vampire Nala sunk their teeth into regular Vitani and Jades necks.

'EWWWW!' Regular Vitani shouted. 'My twin sister's giving me a love bite!'

Vampire Vitani and Nala released the duo as they began to change into Vampire lionesses. Vitani now looked exactly identical to Vampire Vitani; and Jade looked like a freak! Jade still had her human body except her skin was darker, she now had paws with long sharp claws instead of hands and feet, she had pointy vampire lioness ears and a vampire lioness tail as well as fangs.

'That actually turned me on.' Jade said.

'Yeh it wasn't as bad as I'd thought it'd be.' Vitani replied.

Vampire Nala approached the duo and handed them both membership cards. 'Oh and one other thing.' Vampire Nala added. 'Don't forget to change into your normal forms during the day or you'll get skin cancer.'

'Ok.' Vitani and Jade replied as they both changed back into their normal forms and headed for the set exit. 'Thanks for everything' they both shouted back.

'Don't forget to tell your friends about us.' Vampire Nala shouted.

'We won't forget.' Vitani and Jade both said with evil smiles.

* * *

What do you think so far? I borrowed King Ligerions story and parodied it a little for this chapter; so Shane if you're reading this and you don't like this chapter then just tell me and and i'll take it down and replace it with something else. Please let me know what you think and i'll update as soon as i can (it would be nice to have some reviews from other people as well). 


	11. All's Fair In Love And Booze

_Hi, remember me? Sorry for the long wait, i've been busy with coursework, exam preparation and a load of other commitments and hadn't really got round to updating until now. Anyway, my exams for this year are finished now so i should have more time to update this story. I'll try not to leave too big of a time laps between posts in the future. Also for those of you reading 'Trading Places' i'll update that soon as well._

_Once again i'd like to thank King Ligerion for helping me with this chapter._

_Now enough of me talking; enjoy the chapter :-)._

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It was late at night. Kovu and Kiara were relaxing in the pride lands and gazing up at the stars. Kiara was pointing out the figures she could see in the sky to Kovu. 'Hey! There's one that looks like a baby rabbit; see the fluffy tail?' Kiara said as she pointed to a shape in the sky which resembled a half naked woman dressed as a playboy bunny.

'Yeh.' Kovu replied with a smile. 'Hey! There's one that looks like two lions killing each other for a scrap of meat!' Kovu said with a smile.

Kiara turned to Kovu. 'Kovu, the sky is up there,' Kiara said as she pointed upwards. 'You're looking at my dad and Kimba beating the crap out of each other over who copied who.'

'Oh.' Kovu replied. 'Sorry; I've never done this before.'

'Really?' Kiara replied. 'My father and I used to do this all the time' Kiara said as she looked up into the night sky. 'He says the great kings of the past are up there, watching over us; particularly when we're in the shower which is why my father always used to tell me to wear a bathing suit when washing.'

_Up in heaven_

Mufasa was lying on a cloud and looking through a pair of binoculars at Nala as she washed herself in the waterhole. 'Oh yeh.' Mufasa smiled. 'If only I was born into Simbas generation; I'd mate with you every single night; plus you'd probably perform better than Sarabi.'

_Back on earth_

Kiara turned back to Kovu but found he had disappeared. She looked up to see him running towards a shadowed figure. Kovu leapt into the air and shouted 'PILE ON!!!' as he pounced onto the shadowed figure.

_CRASH!!_

Kira headed over to Kovu as he lay on top of the mysterious figure. 'Who's that?' Kiara asked.

'No idea.' Kovu replied.

'GET OFF ME YOU IMBICILE!!!!' The mysterious figure shouted; it turned out to be Rafiki.

'Who are you?' Kiara asked Rafiki.

'You know very well who I am!' Rafiki replied. 'I'm the one who bap... oh yeh I forgot, you have short term memory loss.' Rafiki sighed. 'I'm Rafiki; I'm a friend of your fathers.'

Kovu got off the poor baboon. Rafiki scowled at Kovu and shook his fist. 'Great going numbskull!' He shouted. 'You've now ruined the element of surprise! Anyway I'll cut to the chase; I'm here to make you two horney.'

Both Kiara and Kovu were disgusted 'EWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW!!!!!!!' They both shouted. 'I'd never do you!' Kiara shouted. 'You're too...oooooooollllllllllllddddddddd! In fact I'd be surprised if you even had any sperm left!'

Kovu thought for a moment. 'On second thought I've always had trouble getting laid so I'm not really that fussed.' Kovu added as Kiara stared at him.

Rafiki sighed. 'Not with me! I mean I want to make you both attracted to each other so you'll both mate, Kiara will have a baby and Mufasa won't kill me.

Kiara and Kovu watched as Rafiki walked off screen. Both Kovu and Kiara sat there wondering where he was going.

'Well come on then!' Rafiki shouted back as he stood up on a high ledge and took hold of a vine.

'What are you doing?' Kiara asked the baboon.

'Walkin's for woosies!' Rafiki replied. 'I'm gonna take the high road!' The baboon shouted as he jumped off the ledge and swung round the corner of the rock like Tarzan. However as Rafiki passed the corner...

_SNAP!_

The vine broke and sent the poor baboon flying into a nearby thorn bush. Kovu and Kiara walked over to Rafiki as he lay groaning in the bush. 'On second thought lets walk.'

After 15 painful minutes of removing thorns from Rafikis body, Kiara and Kovu followed the baboon to an area away from the pride lands. Rafiki turned and smiled at the duo. 'Welcome to Upendi!' he said with a smile. Kovu and Kiara gazed at the river area which looked like an acid trip.

'That's it?' Kiara said with disappointment.

'Yes, that's it.' Rafiki replied. 'Now come on; we want to catch the next boat trip through the tunnel of love.'

'Booooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooorrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrriiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnggggggggggggg' Said Kiara. 'Lets go there instead.' She added as she pointed at a nearby bar.

'No!' Rafiki shouted. 'The whole point of this trip was to get you two to fall in love and...'

_SMACK!!_

Kovu whacked Rafiki over the head with a nearby rock and knocked him unconcious.

'Nice work Kovu.' Kiara smiled.

'Thanks love.' Kovu replied as they both headed to the nearby bar which was colourfully labelled, 'The Villains Waterhole'. The duo entered the bar to be greeted by the smell of cigarette smoke, the sound of dull dreary music playing on the jukebox and the sight of all the villains from various games, movies and books.

All the villains stared at Kovu and Kiara like they didn't belong there as they entered the bar. Kovu and Kiara looked around at the various evil doers; sitting in the corner all alone smoking a fag and drinking a glass of red wine was Jacqueline Natla; sitting at the table just next to her was the white witch who was being chat up by Davy Jones. On the opposite side of the room was Dr Evil and Gustavo Graves who were discussing an evil plot to take over the world. The list of villains was endless.

Kovu and Kiara both hoisted themselves onto their hind legs and sat like humans at the bar. The bartender who was a masked fox dressed in medieval attire with shiny red eyes walked over to them. 'Wada ya havin?' He said in a deep menacing voice which half scared Kiara.

Kovu just smiled at the evil fox. 'Hey I know you. You're that guy who kidnaps children and sells them into slavery.'

The fox gritted his teeth; for the reminder of his old job was also a reminder of his inevitable downfall. 'Wada ya havin?' He asked again in a less than pleased tone.

Kovu continued to smile at the fox. 'My name's Kovu, what's yours?'

'Slagar the cruel.' The fox replied in a menacing tone. 'Now either have a drink or I'll string you up by ur tail!'

'I'll have a Guinness.' Kovu replied with a smile.

Slagar turned his attention to Kiara. 'And you?'

Kiara stuttered a little with fear. 'Um...err...I'll... have a pint of Fosters'

The bartender poured Kovu and Kiara their drinks and walked away to serve someone else.

As the night went on Kovu and Kiara got drunker and drunker, casually divulging their deepest and most darkest secrets. It was Friday night, which meant it was karaoke night in the bar. Kovu and Kiara listened to the various X factor wannabes as they attempted to impersonate their favourite artists.

Dr Evil: You and me baby ain't nothing but mammals so lets _(Censored) _like they do on the discovery channel...

The White Witch: How come 'vry time we go around my lovely lovely fridge wanna come down...

Davy Jones: Allsaints are crippled; crunches in the night...

Saddler: Night! And the pirit of fright! Calling To-o-kyo; whooooa To-o-kyo...

A Dalek: WE'RE...FRY...ING...THE...FLAG! ALL...O...VER...THE...WORLD...EXTERMINATE!!

Banzai: (This song has been censored. Basically Banzai just spent the whole song swearing into the microphone before passing out on the floor in a comical fashion).

Next up Scars ghost took the microphone and began singing his own drunken rendition of 'I've got a lovely bunch of coconuts'; with plenty of colourful language.

Kovu was so drunk he couldn't tell who it was; but in any case Scars singing was so bad that no amount of alcohol would ever make him sound good.

'BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!' Kovu shouted as he threw his pint glass at the stage. Unfortunately Kovu was so drunk he didn't realise he was facing away from the stage; therefore he ended up throwing his pint glass at Mr Burns.

'How dare you!' Mr Burns shouted with rage. 'Smithers! Throw your glass at him!'

'Certainly Sir' Smithers replied at he picked up his pint glass and lobbed it at Kovu.

Kovu noticed a 50p coin on the floor and ducked down to pick it up. The pint glass flew straight over Kovu and clobbered Lord Voldermort on the noggin. L.V. turned and gazed at Smithers. 'You'll pay for that!' He said with rage as he pounced at Smithers and beat the crap out of him.

However one of his punches missed and struck Jaws in the groin. Jaws became enraged and chose to take his anger out on Dr Evil; and before you could say 'riot' the whole bar was engaged in a massive brawl.

Kovu smiled with joy. 'Yaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay! Play fight!' He said like a like a little cub. 'Me wanna join in!' And with that Kovu grabbed a nearby bottle of Tequila and randomly smashed it on Kiaras head as she drunk her drink.

'OOOOOOOOOOOOOOWWWWWWWWWWW!!!!!' Kiara shouted as she clutched her skull. Kiara turned to Kovu with fire in her eyes as he sat there laughing at her. 'WHY YOU LITTLE...!!!' Kiara shouted as she pounced on Kovu in a fit of alcohol fuelled rage and repeatedly punched him in the face.

With his claws Kovu scratched Kiara across the face leaving four bloody cuts. He then tossed Kiara off of her and into a nearby table. Both Kiara and Kovu leapt to their paws and pounced at each other both clawing and biting.

Then suddenly both stopped dead in their tracks; both had forgotten where they were and what they were doing. 'Where are we?' Kovu asked Kiara.

'No idea.' Kiara replied. 'In any case I'm bored, lets go home.'

And with that the duo left the bar, leaving the villains to fight amongst themselves. 'Idiots.' Kovu said as they left the bar. 'I wonder what got them so pissed off?'

'Some idiot must have gotten drunk and pulled the first punch and it went from there.' Kiara replied.

'Well he's an idiot whoever he is.' Kovu added.

* * *

_What do you think so far? Once again sorry for the long wait, i'll update with the next chapter soon (hopefully it wont be as long a wait as before); but in the mean time please review :-)_


	12. The Outsiders Join The Vampire Club?

Kiara and Kovu made their way back to pride rock singing 'The Bad Touch' together. As they arrived at the entrance to the den Kovu nuzzled Kiara affectionately. 'Goodnight.' He said in a loving tone.

Kiara smiled back at Kovu. 'Goodnight.' She said as she walked into the den leaving Kovu to sleep with Mr Rock.

As Kiara entered the den Simba walked outside. He felt very reluctant to let Kovu into the den but he had no choice; he made a promise to Scar and unless he wanted to end up in nappies again he needed to keep it. 'Hey Kovu,' he said in a friendly tone. 'It's kinda cold tonight; why don't you come inside?'

'Nah.' Kovu replied. 'I need to keep Mr Rockie-poo warm.'

'Oh.' Simba replied with relief. 'Well if you're happy sleeping here then I have no reason to...'

'Ahem!' Scars spirit interrupted. 'Get him to come in or you'll wind up with nappy rash again.'

'I mean Mr Rockie-poo can come in with you if he likes.' Simba said swiftly.

'Would you like to come in Mr Rockie-poo?' Kovu asked the big rock.

_Silence_

Simba became impatient. 'FOR CRYING OUT LOUD!!!!' He shouted. 'IT'S A FRIGGIN ROCK!!!!!! IT WAS NEVER ALIVE!!!!!'

Kovu gasped at Simbas statement and hugged the rock tightly. 'How dare you!' He said. Kovu turned and tried to comfort the rock. 'Shhhh; he didn't mean that.'

Simba sighed quietly and shook his head.

'It's ok Kovu.' A deep voice said.

Simba looked around to try and find the source of the voice; but was then shocked to see the rock Kovu had been comforting sprout legs and walk off. 'I know when I'm not wanted.' The rock said as it walked off down the steps of pride rock.

Simba fainted from the shock and Kovu forgot everything that happened. 'Why am I outside?' Kovu said to himself. Kovu noticed Simba lying unconscious on the ground. Kovu thought to himself. 'Hmmmm; I know I'm supposed to do something but can't remember what.' Kovu glanced at Simbas body again. 'I know Zira told me to do something to Simba but I can't remember what.'

Kovu tried to remember what his mother had told him to do to Simba. 'Play with him?... No. Sing to him?...No. Kill him?...No. Dress him up in a fairy costume?...Yeh I'm pretty sure it was to dress him up in a fairy costume.' And with that Kovu dragged Simba by his tail into the den.

Meanwhile Vitani and Jade were watching events unfold from afar. Both had looks of displeasement on their faces. 'He's forgotten his mission hasn't he.' Jade scowled.

'Yep.' Vitani replied in a similar tone.

'Why don't we just go in there and do the job ourselves?' Jade asked.

Vitani and Jade both looked at each other with evil smiles. 'Plus it'd be a good opportunity for a midnight snack.' Vitani replied.

And with that both girls changed into their vampire selves and headed up to the prides den. They entered the den to find the pride landers sleeping with Simba and Nala sleeping on the royal slab at the back. As the girls approached Simba he came more and more into focus.

When they eventually reached Simba they stopped dead in their tracks and burst into laughter. For lying on the slab was Simba dressed in a pink fairy dress, tiara and holding a fairy wand in his right paw.

Both girls laughed as they sunk their vampire fangs into their victim. However they were so giddy that they ended up biting Nala by accident. Both girls stopped suddenly with their fangs halfway in Nalas flesh; they then shrugged their shoulders and carried on sucking her blood.

After draining Nala they felt too full to drink Simbas blood so they simply changed back into their normal forms and headed back to Zira.

_Some place between the pride lands and the outlands_

Zira (who had somehow made a miraculous recovery) roared with rage. 'You're sure?' She asked Vitani with rage.'

'Affirmative!' Vitani replied. 'I saw it with my own eyes; Simba was wearing a fairy costume!'

'No!' Zira replied with rage. 'You should have had a camera with you! Then we could have posted it all over the internet and ruined his reputation once and for all! No matter, lets just go.'

Zira, Vitani and Jade arrived back in the outlands where they found all of the outsiders asleep. Zira lay down on her sleeping spot and started snoring loudly. Jade and Vitani were just about to go to sleep when their vampire nature got the better of them. They both looked around lustfully at all the sleeping lionesses.

'Look at all that fresh blood.' Vitani drooled.

'Yeh.' Jade replied. 'I can almost hear their hearts beating all that moist, tangy liqueur.

Both girls morphed into their vampire selves and proceeded draining the blood of every last outsider.

_15 minutes and 20 slurps later_

Nuka and Zira were woken to the sound of Michael Jacksons 'Thriller' blasting into their ears. They both looked up to see Vitani, Jade and the rest of the outsiders standing on their hind legs and dancing Michael Jackson style moves.

Zira walked over to the CD player and pulled the plug which silenced the den; the lionesses immediately got down off their hind legs.

'What's going on?' Zira asked.

'Isn't it cool?' A random vampire outsider replied. 'Vitani and Jade enrolled us into the vampire club.'

Zira was shocked. 'What?! No one's joining any club! It's too dam expensive!'

'C'mon Zira!' Jade sighed. 'You always spoil everythin.'

Lioness 1: 'Yeh, don't you want to live forever?

Lioness 2: 'Stay young forever?'

Lioness 3: 'Dance like Michael Jackson?'

Lioness 4: 'Get discounts at major retail outlets?'

Zira thought to herself for a moment. 'Hmmmm; well I doubt they're gonna believe I'm a student anymore so I suppose I could...'

'THAT'S IT I'VE HAD ENOUGH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!'

_Pause Tape_

**S.O.N:** Huh?... What the?...Who said that?...That's not in the script.

**King Ligerion:** I DID!!!

**S.O.N:** Oh...er...hi Mr Ligerion _slowly backs away_ how are you? hehe

**King Ligerion:** HOW DO YOU BLOODY THINK I AM!!!!!! I'M ANNOYED AT THE WAY YOU'VE USED MY CHARACTERS!!!!

**S.O.N:** What do you mean?

**King Ligerion:** FIRST OFF, THE VAMPIRE LIONESSES ARE AN EVIL CULT NOT A CLUB HOUSE!!! SECONDLY, THE VAMPIRE LIONESSES DON'T DANCE LIKE MICHAEL JACKSON!!! AND THIRDLY, MALES DO NOT HAVE TO BE CIRCUMCISED TO BECOME VAMPIRE LIONS!!!!!!! YOU'VE MADE A MOCKERY OUT OF MY STORY!!!!!

**S.O.N:** I'm sorry Mr Ligerion. I was only having a laugh. Anything I can do to make up for it?

**King Ligerion:** _Sob_ It's too late now. All of my friends have read your story and now every time they even look at the title of my story they burst into laughter. Anyway; I created the vampire lionesses, so I own them; therefore I'm taking them back. _Pulls out a 'de-vamp' gun and 'de-vampireises' the lionesses back into normal lionesses._ Now I bid you good day! _Walks off to the left._

**S.O.N:** Ur Ligron? Ligron? I was gonna tell him he forgot to 'de-vamp' Nala and that the exit's that way. Oh well; I'm sure he'll find his way out ok.

_Play Tape_

And with that the author used his magical laptop to make the outsiders forget what had just happened; and everyone went to sleep.

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_What do you think so far? I'll update as soon as possible but in the mean time please review :-)_


	13. Simbalina Ballerina!

_Hi, i'm back. I'm really sorry for the long long wait; i've kinda been destracted. I hope you're all still interested in my stories. I'll try and post more often from now on. Anyway; enjoy the chapter :)_

* * *

The next morning Kovu was the first to wake up. He left the den feeling guilty; for he had been lying to Kiara all this time to the one lioness he felt he was destined to be with forever. 'Ok, I have to tell her today; but where do I start.' Kovu tried to think of the best way to tell Kiara the truth. 'Kiara; Zira wants me to turn your father into a magical fairy princess; but I don't want...'

'Kovu?' Kiara asked as she slowly exited the den.

Kovu immediately turned to Kiara. 'Kiara we need to talk.'

Kiara gasped with horror. 'Oh no! I knew it! I knew it all along! Ever since you first set foot in the pride lands!'

'Knew what?' Kovu asked.

'You know very well what I'm talking about, don't drag it out like that.'

'But I don't want to be like that anymore; I can change I swear!'

'No Kovu you cant, it's in your blood, it's your destiny; and nothing can change that.'

'Kiara please I swear I don't want to go through with it.'

'You have to! You have no choice, it's who you are; nothing can change the fact that you're gay!'

Kovu was surprised. 'What?! Who told you I was gay?!'

'No one.' Kiara replied. 'I just worked it out for myself.'

'Kiara I'm not gay!' Kovu replied. 'I came to talk to you about something else.'

'Oh, ok.' Kiara replied with a shifty eye.

'Kiara!' Simba called from inside pride rock.

Kiara turned round. 'Yes fath...' Kiara immediately paused with shock; she could not believe her eyes; she saw her father dance out of pride rock like a ballerina dressed in a fairy costume and holding a wand. Simba pranced up to Kiara on his hind legs and tapped her and Kovu lightly on the head with his fairy wand before giggling like a little girl.

Kiara was surprised. 'Father? A-are you feeling ok?' Kiara asked as she watched her dance around on his hind legs like a ballerina.

'I've never felt better.' Simba replied with a smile in a girly voice. 'I don't know how I got like this; but I finally feel free and comfortable with whom I am.'

'Don't worry.' Kiara reassured herself. 'You have short term memory loss, in a minute this will all be forgotten.' Kiara waited a minute. 'NOOOOOOOOO!! IT'S STILL IMPREGNATED IN MY BRAIN!!!!!!!!'

'Kovu?' Asked Simba in a girly voice. 'Would you like to come and dance with me in the warm breeze of the pride lands?'

Kovu immediately started bouncing up and down. 'YAAAAAAAAAY!!!! I love dancing!!!!'

Simba started dancing closer and closer to the edge of pride rock. 'Then come my partner! And we shall delight the animals of the forest with our enchaaaaAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!' Simba danced straight off the edge of pride rock.

_CRASH!!_

'YAAAAAAAAY!!!' Kovu shouted as he got up on his hind legs and ballet danced down the steps of pride rock. 'I'm going to be a magical fairy princess!!!'

Kiara watched Kovu dance down the steps of pride rock before fainting from all the madness.

Later that day both Simba and Kovu pranced through the pride lands with all the animals laughing and mocking them on their way, but they didn't care; as far as they were concerned they were having the time of their lives. However they were enjoying themselves so much they didn't see they were dancing dangerously close to the remnants of the fire covered pridelands, which were now considered by the producers as the outlands due to the depressing and evil impressions it gave off. Simba tripped over a nearby rock and fell flat on his face.

AAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

The sound of mocking laughter echoed throughout the barren landscape. Simba looked up to see Zira and the other outsiders rolling around on the floor consumed by laughter. Zira slowly got to her feet, 'Oh Simba, I always knew you like wearing womens clothing.'

'Zira!' Simba said with rage as he got to his feet and tried to look like a butch, manly lion in his fairy costume.

Zira smiled at Simba with that cruel and evil smile she always sported. 'What are you doing out here and so...alone.'

'I'm not alone!' Simba said with pride. 'I have Ko...' Simba turned round to see that Kovu had disappeared. He then looked into the distance to see Kovu chasing after a man in a raccoon suit.

Simba turned back to Zira and a puddle began to form beneath him. 'Help!' Simba squeaked in a really girly voice.

'ATTACK!!!!!' Zira shouted.

At once every single outsider pounced on top of Simba pinning him to the floor. Jade figured there was no way she could beat a lion so she ran for her life. Simba thought he was going to die for sure when suddenly...

'Whoaaaa nellly!!!!!' Shouted a woman.

The outsiders looked up from their pile on to see Gill Grissom, Catherine Willows and Jim Brass. 'Ok we need you all to stop your yiffing and scritching, this is a homicide investigation!' Grissom shouted.

'Huh?!' Vitani said with a confused voice. 'I don't remember this being in the script?!'

'Its not!' The author shouted from off screen. 'CSI: Fur and Loathing is being filmed next door; you've got the wrong set.'

'Oh, ok.' Catherine said as the trio left the set.

The outsiders turned their attention back to Simba and found he had wisely used this time to escape. The outsiders looked up to see Simba running for his life; the outsiders immediately gave chase to him.

Simba ran as fast as he could with the outsiders in hot pursuit until he eventually came to the log dam which was blocking the river. Simba climbed up the log dam as fast as he could as the outsiders watched from below. Suddenly Kovu appeared at the top of the log dam.

'Kovu!' Zira shouted; 'Kill him!!!'

Kovu was faced with a massive dilema; what would he do? Kill Simba to please his evil mother but be dumped by Kiara, save Simba but have a smacked bottom from his mother, or continue chasing the guy in the raccoon suit.

'RACCON MAN!!' Kovu shouted as he ran after the guy in the raccoon suit.

'KOVU YOU IDIOT!!!!!' Zira shouted with rage. 'NUKA!! Climb the logs and kill Simba!'

Nuka turned to Zira with a funny look. 'Why should I!! You hate me! You never give me love and affection! And you threw away my Pokemon cards! I can never forgive you for that!!!'

'I didn't throw them away!!' Zira protested. 'I traded them for some more Yugio duelling cards after I lost mine in a bet I made with Jade! Besides everyone knows that Yugio pwns Pokemon!!'

'What!!!' Nuka protested. 'How can you say that! Pokemon has to be the best form of battle in the history of the universe!!! Besides the Pokemon are sooooooo cute; who can say no to the gorgeous little red cheeks on Pikachu! Besides! Pokemon battles are with REAL creatures instead of those fake and over emphasised holograms you get with duelling platforms.'

'Pokemon is for wimps!!' Zira argued. 'Well at least with duels you can keep track of when you're actually about to lose with the point system rather than by going on until your Pokemon gets tired! Besides what do you mean REAL battles! The only real battles happen in the T.V. show; the duelling platforms give more depth to the battle than those crappy Pokemon cards! Plus I deserve those cards! I've won a total of 3000 duels; you've never won a single card battle in your life!'

'AHEM!!!' Vitani interrupted. 'Simba has nearly reached the top!'

Zira sighed. 'Fine! If you catch and kill Simba for me I'll get back your crappy Pokemon cards!'

'Deal!' Nuka said as he began climbing up the logs. Nuka was just about to grab Simba when he suddenly stopped. Nuka looked down at the ground and puked on the outsiders as they looked up at him. 'I just remembered; I don't like heights.'

Suddenly the log beneath Nuka gave way and he plummeted to the ground and was buried under a pile of logs.

* * *

_What do you think so far? Once again sorry for the long wait; i'll try to post more often now because i'm slowly geitting back into it. Also; i've never watched Yugio so all of the material in there is based purely on exerts i've seen and what people have told me so sorry if any details are wrong._

_Oh yeh, please review and i'll try and get the next chapter up ASAP._


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